Show me the way to get home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed...
¦ dialling in from Sky Bunker ¦
20:40 GMT, Wednesday 4th March 2009. Sitting at my desk, wrapped in Starsky and enjoying that euphoric headspace that comes with the tail end of man-flu. Ironic, considering the night I had last night.
I left work utterly fekked. I'd started the day leaving my mum's house in Newcastle at 5.30 A.M. to catch my flight down to Bristol... a journey that finally saw me sitting at my work desk in Bath at 9.30 A.M. But I'd had no sleep due to the fact my man-flu was shovelling glutinous phlegm down my throat every few minutes... so when I tried to sleep, each time after dropping off I'd suddenly bolt awake gasping for breath, choking. Not pleasant.
I think everyone had a stressful day yesterday and I wanted a pint. I didn't have my car because I'd come straight to work from Bristol airport, so could drink. However, the bus back to where I live only comes once per hour.
Gonzo Ben joined me in the Garrick was what was supposed to be a quick one, but nestling down next to a roaring fire in a quaint pub in a historic town with a glass of Leffe in your hand... well, we both got comfortable. I decided to miss the bus I'd intended to catch.
Time passed. Gonzo Ben and I parted company and I went to the bus stop to wait for the crappy 332 service back to Bristol.
I wait.
And I wait.
Fekking thing doesn't turn up.
Oh, did I tell you it was raining? And about 5 degrees above zero?
I see Stu K, the Head of my Department walking past. "Hey Stu, fancy a drink?"
So I find myself back in the Garrick like some scene from Groundhog Day.
A few drinks later I tumble out, part company with Stu and go wait for my bus.
I wait.
And I wait.
I'm getting really cold now, and I'm hungry and pissed off.
I see Jen W, a work colleague walking past. "Hey Dave," she greets in her Canadian tone, "Do you want a lift back home?"
OH YESSSS! I'm delighted. A warm and fast car ride back to my front door. Jen only lives around the corner from me, so it's perfect.
Except she didn't mention she'd parked a 30 minute walk away.
So through the rain and wind we trudge. Yapping away I'm not really paying attention to the route we're taking.
We get to her car. There's a problem. The car battery is dead. We're going nowhere. "Oh Dave, I'm really sorry."
No worries, I grin, genuinely, with a bead of rainwater running off the tip of my nose. "I enjoyed the walk. I'm, err, going to head back into town and catch that bus."
I trudge off into the darkness of a park I know we walked through.
I'm pissed, as in drunk, I'm ill, compounding the effect of the alcohol on my ability to think: I'm cold and I'm wet and I'm hungry.
And I'm lost.
Yup, in a big ass park in the total darkness I do not know where the fek I am.
I finally see a car parked on the side of a road. It's a taxi. The driver is so sorry for me that he gives me a lift back into town for free. He drops me off at my bus stop.
The fekking 322 bus service. I can't believe I'm back here again.
I wait.
And I wait.
Suddenly the bus appears out of nowhere, roaring around a corner and hurtling down the road. I've stepped away from the bus stop to make a phone call. I hurry forward to put my hand out... the guy nearly doesn't stop. I shuffle on, there's no other passengers. I tell the guy where I want to go. He's Polish. His English isn't too good. He scowls at me like I have the problem and says, "eh?"
I repeat where I want to go.
He grunts, "I don't go there."
WTF.
"Yes you do... you're the 332, right?"
"Not at this time of night. We don't go that far. We stop at-"
Basically, the bus isn't going to get me all the way home, only about 2/3rds of the way.
I pay the extortionate fekking price for the ticket (somebody should murder the bosses at First Bus company) and literally fall into my seat, banging my head off a handrail as the crazy Polish driver guns the engine and floors it.
I ring Jo and arrange for her to pick me up.
She's already there by time I get off the bus.
Bliss-City.
Hot bath.
1/2 a litre of cold Leffe in a tall glass.
Nice. *smiles*